Jasmine is a resident at Rafiki House in San Francisco. Rafiki House is run under the auspices of the Black Coalition on AIDS and provides housing and care for 14 persons living with HIV. Jasmine is from Boston and moved to San Francisco a few years ago in search of a community that would be more supportive of her as a transgender.

Q: How did you get to Rafiki House?

I originally started doing drugs like a year and a half ago. I tried to commit suicide so I went to General Hosp. They got me into Walden House for residential treatment. Then they sent me to Rafiki House because it is for HIV positive people.

I love it here. It is really good for people trying to stay clean and who have illnesses like me.

There wasn’t a waiting list at the time, there is now though.

I moved in on Apr 6 th of 2004.

Q: So you got to San Francisco a year and half ago?

I grew up going to school. I went to college, got my degree. I came here to become a woman. The lifestyle here, trying to get a job, they were discriminating against us. I knew I had the qualifications but they wouldn’t hire me because they said I was an insurance risk because I was on hormones. They said they would drive me crazy or cause mood swings so they wouldn’t hire me.

I started doing street work and that’s when I started getting high.

Q: Where are you from originally.

Boston Massachusetts. I am from a little town called Marblehead.

Q: Tell me about your family.

I grew up in a good family environment. I went to private schools. So I had a really good education. I was an only child for 10 years. My parents got divorced at 8 and then my mom got re-married when I was 12. My stepfather became my dad. My mother got pregnant. My little sister is 18 at her first year in college at Temple. My life was pretty good. My mom is a doctor and my dad is an oil-technician.

I was a good kid. Of course I got into some mischief but I was never in and out of jail or anything. Until I got here. Then I started with drugs and working on the street.

Growing up I would go down south to hang out with my grandparents. I graduated from Boston College with a degree in business and marketing. I’ve always worked in restaurants. My whole life. Before I came here I was a bartender in a night club.

Q: What kind of work were you looking for here?

When I came here to get a job I went to 20 places for interviews. I asked the last guy why they wouldn’t hire me. He answered real honestly, he said, because you’re a transgender. But now that they passed that law I can’t work now. They passed it last year for the state of California- barring discrimination against transgenders in the non-discrimination clause.

Q: When did you realize you were transgender?

I have wanted to change my gender identity since I was 15. I was always a flamboyant, feminine person so it was easy for me to change to begin with. Boston was so conservative, I was resigned to stay just a gay boy. When I was 21 I came here.

When I came here, my transition was done within a week. I was happy. I was doing what I wanted to do. It was hard at first. You get a lot of negative people who just don’t understand, understand why I was unhappy being a boy. Now, I am very positive, positive about myself, so I don’t let negative stuff bother me.

Q: Why weren’t you happy being a boy? What made you uncomfortable?

I just didn’t like it. I didn’t like boy qualities, boy things. I wasn’t into sports. I liked dolls and makeup and shopping. There wasn’t one ounce of boy quality in me other than my gender. I wouldn’t have been able to live my life as a man, I would have definitely killed myself. I made a conscious decision and I am very happy with it. I have my doctor and my therapist who I see once a week. And I go to support groups.

Q: How many transgender folks would you guess are in bay area?

There has to be well over a thousand. Maybe more. When you think transgender you think male-female and female-male. There are a lot of women that are changing. More men change to women than women to men.

Q: Why did you think to do street work though?

I had no money and I was hanging out with this transgender and she said, “If you want to make money, the girls out here, they work the streets.” At first I didn’t want to be a hooker. So I started boosting stuff. It was good- I was making $300 a day. But I got caught. And I got caught with $2000 of stuff so it was a felony and they wanted to send me to prison right away. But I had a good lawyer and he got it down to a misdemeanor.

I remember the first time I gave oral sex. I got $200. For like 10 minutes of work. I was like wow!! That’s what reeled me in. I was used to that kind of money. I used to be a bartender. Growing up, I always had money. I decided I had to do what I had to do. I could do it if I was high.

Once the drugs kicked in, the ho-ing was out the window. I was ho-ing, but ho-ing to get high.

“I am not an addict. I am someone who got lost.”

One day I just went into a depression and I just tried to kill myself. I checked myself into the hospital and they said I might have HIV because of my fever. I didn’t want to hear any of that so I checked myself out. But it kept sticking with me, so I went to get tested. That was it. A week later I knew I was positive. They told me if I kept doing drugs I would die.

I went to Walden House. It was supposed to be a year.

I am not an addict. I am someone who got lost. If I was an addict I would have been doing drugs the majority of my life. But I wasn’t. I just needed some structure in my life.

Everything has been cool since then. I have had no desire to use. I have had no desire to prostitute.

It’s easier for people who had a life before drugs, because when they fall they already know what they have. They know how good that feeling is. Other people who haven’t had that, don’t know what it’s like. They don’t know what it’s like to have your own place.

I think the best move I ever made was going to Rafiki house- it is very structured, I am back to where I used to be.

Q: You mentioned there aren’t many services for transgender people in the bay area?

They don’t have the necessary staff to fill our need. We need extra attention. Some people just need a little bit of attention, but transgenders, without enough attention we get rebellious. You already feel so alone because you are changing your life, you already feel like people aren’t feeling you. In Walden House I was the only transgender there. That was hard for me. I had to share a room with a woman. It was hard- some people didn’t care for me.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and it makes them uncomfortable to share a room with a woman. A transgender should share a room with a transgender.

They want you to be in the same category as them and I am in a class of my own.

They didn’t have the cosmetics we needed- we have to do a lot more work than them. We have growth of hair we have to maintain on a daily basis.

The hormones retain water like a pregnant woman. They make you gain weight obsessively. If you don’t exercise regularly you could become obese in just a few months. I used to take estrogen shots but now I get estrogen shots. It takes all the testosterone out of your body.

Now my skin is getting softer and my breasts are growing. It’s definitely a huge decision I’ve made, but I am very, very happy with it.

My parents are wonderful that is something I am so thankful for. It is hard for them to understand, but they have been reading, my mom has been watching TV shows. I am glad you are educating yourself, but I am going to do what I am going to do.

Q: Do you have many transgender friends?

Maybe one or two but that’s about it. I am not trying to live my life like that. Too much drama. I want to get married and have a life. I made my decision to become a woman, I am going to have a sex change and everything. Being around my trans sisters, it can be a competition thing. I am a laid back, private person. I don’t want to be bothered. I am trying to live my life as a woman.

I am going on to live my life. I have met a lot of them who have been out here for 10 years and they are still doing the same thing. Hell no, I am not about to be out here 10 years from now doing the same thing.

I have advanced father since I have been here because I am dedicated. Some of them keep doing the same male shit. That makes me mad because it makes it hard for people like me who are really trying to do it.

Q: What was your drug of choice?

Crack cocaine. That was my drug of choice. And alcohol, but they went hand in hand. I couldn’t do one without the other.

Q: Why crack, why not something else?

I liked crack because it was more of a sexual, seductive drug for the kind of work I was doing. Speed- it just kept me up. Do speed- you’re up for four days. Smoke crack- afterwards you go to sleep. It made me a lot more seductive. That’s why I stuck with that drug. It made money for me. Once I would use that drug, I was ready to go work the streets If I didn’t have it, I wasn’t’ ready.

Q: Why did crack make you more seductive?

Because I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t Jasmine. I could never do something like that sober unless it was my boyfriend. It just made me more uninhibited. I was more daring on it. I wasn’t afraid to meet a total stranger. When I was getting high I didn’t care.

Q: But then the drug use took over?

My drug use escalated. Then I figured out I wasn’t even saving money. I was just partying and shopping. And I was lonely. In that world- you can’t trust any of the girls on the street- you really don’t have a friend. It’s all for yourself. If you can’t do something for me, then see you later, you know?

Walden House was wonderful for me, regardless that I left after 9 months. Walden House was wonderful. There are other transgendered that wouldn’t speak up like me. If they didn’t have something I needed, I would ask. I need more than the average woman and your drug program says you have what we need for all of us. Your contract is a lie because you don’t have all the stuff trangenders need. I was fine because I spoke up. They took all your money- your whole SSI check. They would give me like $20 a month. But that was nothing. I just went to the staff and they got a little budget together and got me the stuff I needed. II met people. I figured out the lifestyle in San Francisco, how I can get to my resources. I didn’t need it growing up- I didn’t need funding or extra SSI money. Here, I had to dig into all these resources that I had no idea about.

Q: How did Walden House address your drug use?

That they were wonderful about. The drug use- they were really good about relapse prevention and harm reduction. They have so many classes. Not just classes on drug use, but grief and loss. If you have a family member die, when you are on drugs you don’t think about anything but when you are clean and sober all these feelings start coming up. They were really good because they had the classes to back it up. It was a wonderful program and they’re caring, they look out for us.

They feed you exceptionally well. There main thing is feeding you, making sure you get healthy. And your drug problem, those are the main issues.

They focus you in those directions. There is only so much a person can do.

I should probably only be in Rafiki House another two more months. Then I should move into my own place with my boyfriend.

I would like to have a family and maybe own my own business. But right now I just want to be a parent, a mother. That is the most important job anyway. I would love to own a restaurant, but my dream has always been to be a mom.

I put my heart out to him. It is hard for him to go out with a transgender too. He can get a lot of feedback. You know what I mean.

Q: Had he dated a transgender before?

Oh yeah. I am the second one he has dated. There are not too many men out here who are true to themselves- they like being with you in private but not in public. Just behind closed doors. I would rather be alone that have you hiding me. There are a lot of girls who will do that, but not me.

Q: Is there anything else you would like people to know?

I just want people to be happy. Make decisions around your happiness.