Lupe and I met while she was in a women's treatment program in Albuquerque.

Q: How did you get here to Bridges?

I got here on a trafficking charge. I was… I’ve been an addict since the age of 13 and my first drug was solvent abuse. I use to inhale nail polish, paint. Anything I knew that could get me high you know- I would inhale it. My first experience with alcohol, at the age of 13, I overdosed… I didn’t drink anymore after that. But I continued to inhale. That lasted for about… from 13 to about 17.

I ended up, my encounters with jail were at the age of 13. Going to the D home, getting out, picking up charges here and there. I was in and out of the system. I would stay in the D home for a month or two to get out and then go back to the same stuff. I started to sell crack at the age of maybe like 16. I didn’t use it then, but I sold it. I ended up going to the girls school, YDDC. They gave me a year’s sentence, I stayed six months and then I got released on parole. That’s when I started to use drugs. Sniffing paint and that stuff didn’t phase me no more. I just got burned out on it you know. My drug use escalated. I started to drink. I started to snort coke. That was like, everyday, everyday, it was an everyday thing for me. I started running away, I quit school. I finished in my 9 th grade year.

I got involved in the gangs. You know, all of that stuff. Drive by shootings, rival gang fights. I was really deep. I… a lot of my friends got murdered and stuff. I don’t know if that really had an impact on me using more drugs or what it was. Everytime they died and we would have a funeral, we would party afterwards. That maybe, it had a lot of impact on my drug use.

The year of ’97, my little nephew got murdered. That affected me a lot. I was already smoking crack by then. I was maybe 19. I was smoking crack by then already. I just, you know, once I started to smoke crack I just didn’t care no more. I got involved with my husband then. We were dating. I got pregnant with my first daughter. Throughout my whole pregnancy with her, I was using drugs, you know. I was drinking and smoking crack. But when I was six months pregnant we moved out to Austin, Texas because I wanted to get clean and I couldn’t find a way to do it here in Albuquerque.

I did good for about, maybe until I had my daughter. My daughter came out healthy thank God. A little bit after that, I found crack out there in Texas. It was just like a doom card for me you know. I hit bottom right away. We ended up coming back to Albuquerque. When I got pregnant again with my other daughter; same thing. I was using drugs with her, too. Up until five months. Every time I would get pregnant I would use for a while and hten I would stop. With her, we winded up moving up north to Penasco, near her dad’s house. I was able to stay clean for a little while, and then two weeks before I had my daughter, I came down. My due date was January 23 rd, and sure enough, around the 16 th I went to the hospital because I was dilated two centimeters. So I called up my husband and told him to come down because I was having the baby. Before I knew it, I was smoking crack again that night. I ended up going into labor and delivering her myself. We were staying in a hotel. I delivered her by myself while I was high. And she tested positive for cocaine. They didn’t take her away from me, but I had to go to some counseling.

After that, we were in Penasco, but I had to stay here to do the classes to be able to keep my daughters. But I started using. I would leave for days at a time, leave my daughters with my mom or their dad. That just became a pattern for me. Now I have two daughters and a little bit later I get pregnant again. With her, I used until I was eight months pregnant. That’s when I picked up my trafficking charge. I was eight months pregnant and you couldn’t even tell. I wasn’t taking care of my child. I was really out of it. I finally got picked up. I sold to an undercover. They charged me with trafficking and I went to jail.

I went to jail on May 1 st. My daughter wasn’t due until June 17 th, but I had her on the 28 th. I had her in jail. She didn’t come out dirty for no drugs or nothing. It was really hard for me to have my daughter in there. My mom came to get her…

After that, I kept going in and out of programs. They released me, but I had a misdemeanor probation, so the judge put me out on CCP. I had to go to district court. They let me go on an ankle bracelet with the Winner’s Program.

My mom lived right up the street from the program I went to. We live in this area. Ended up, I left after two months. I got pregnant again. I ended up getting caught on New Year’s Eve and I went to jail for two months. My misdemeanor probation was already over. For my felony trafficking I got drug court. I got pregnant with my daughter. I did drug court for two months and I relapsed and started picking up little charges- damage to property, drinking in public. Finally, I went back to jail. That’s the first time I went into the detox program – in jail. I was pregnant with my last daughter.

The judge let me go into the Milagro Program- they take pregnant girls. I had a couple of relapses with my daughter, maybe about three of them, while I was pregnant. When I got out of Milagro, they terminated me there because I gave my daughter a sucker from Wal-Mart. They terminated me for shoplifting. But there was no way I was having another baby in jail, so I went on the run. Up until I had my daughter… I was always finding myself relapsing.

Finally my sister told me I had to do something. She said I was just coming in and out of these girls’ lives. I went to the Victory Outreach Program. I stayed three weeks and ended up leaving. My sister got mad and called the cops on me at my mom’s house. I stayed in jail for six months.

Finally for my sentencing I got 364 days in jail and five years probation. I got out on October the 8 th. I was released on probation. When I got released I had nowhere to stay here. I relapsed in Christmas, again in January. I ended up picking up a DWI. I got my first probation violation. This was last year. I stayed in jail for two months and they let me go. They released me to Aspen Behavioral Health. At this point, my drug addiction is to the point where I am fearing for my life. I think someone is trying to kill me. I’ve been raped and so I am seeing this guy. I am just starting to hallucinate more on the drug and staying up for long periods of time. Maybe a week, three days, not eating, not drinking water. Just drinking beer and smoking crack. It got to the point where my last relapse- I flipped out on the cops. I pulled out a screwdriver. I vaguely remember what happened, but I remember thinking somebody wanted to kill me. I punched out the windows of this car. The cops came and I told the cops someone was trying to kill me. It was just crazy you know. My heart rate was 180. I almost had a heart attack. I went back to jail on my second probation violation. I got aggravated assault on a police officer with a deadly weapon, damage to property, burglary, a battery charge. Evading and eluding. I just picked up all these charges. It was awful. On May 23 rd I went into jail last year and got myself into the detox program again. They have a 28 day detox. I stayed there for five months. At first, they wanted to give me five years in prison. I wouldn’t sign my pleas. Finally, I ended up going to court in October and the judge let me come to the Bridges Program. They dropped everything else except for auto burglary. That’s how I ended up here in Bridges. The judge gave me one more chance.

This time, out of all my programs, I am really working it. I am tired of being out there. I want to be there for my daughters and stuff. That’s how I ended up here, in Bridges.

Q: You started using inhalants when you were 13, how did that start?

With my friend. With one of my friends from school. She just one day asked me if I had nail polish, I said “yeah!” Before I knew it, I saw her putting it in the bag and getting high on it. I tried it and I liked it… I guess from a real young age… my mom was always working, my sister was the mother figure, my dad died at the age of four, he was murdered. I am originally from Mexico. We were here, but he was murdered in Mexico. We were homeless after he died. I had a lot of responsibility as a young child. Taking care of the house, cleaning, cooking, taking care of my younger brother. Ever since I was a child I remember going to school and coming home to clean. I guess for me, it was another world when I was huffing and stuff. It was another world and I liked it.

Q: What is the D home?

It’s a juvenile detention center.

Q: Over the course of those years, going in and out of the D home, did they refer you to drug treatment programs? Did they know you were huffing?

They always let me go on probation. From the age of 13, when I was younger, I was getting charges for solvent use, breaking and entering, aggravated assault on a household member, possession of a controlled substance, domestic violence. Finally, they sent me to the Girl’s School for a year. When I got out of the Girl’s School they let me out to my mom’s house and I continued doing the same thing.

The Girl’s School is mostly, it’s when you get sentenced, it’s more of you doing your sentencing there. It’s kind of like boot camp.

Q: Did they have treatment programs there? Did you work with counselors?

We worked with counselors there. But at that age, I didn’t want to accept that I had a drug problem. I didn’t think I was an addict. I just thought I was doing it for the hell of it. I never opened myself up to anyone there. The help was there, I just didn’t go for it.

Q: Did they realize you had a substance abuse program?

Oh yeah!

Q: And that’s when you were 17?

Yes.

Q: Tell me more about the gangs. Why did you choose to get involved with them?

My brothers were in gangs. I have three brothers. The people I was hanging around with were in gangs. Initially I was part of the gangs because my brothers were in the gangs, so I didn’t have to get raked in. I was always with them, my family. We would party, we would sell drugs. I mean, fight with other people. There was a lot of gang shootings. I lot of my friends died from all that.

I just though that maybe that was the way I wanted to live- that was me. That was who I wanted to be. Until I got involved with my kids’ dad. And then I separated myself, especially after my little nephew died. He was one and a half years old.

My sister was involved with this guy. My sister doesn’t use drugs or nothing like that. My sister is a Christian and she didn’t want to be involved in the party life with her kid’s dad- the guy she was dating- at all. I don’t know what got into him, but he went to the house and kicked in the door. He shot my nephew four times. He shot my sister and then he killed himself… But my sister didn’t die... Only my nephew and him died.

I have three brothers and two sisters. My little sister is 15 and she doesn’t use drugs. My brothers use drugs though. My little brother is in the penitentiary right now, serving a five year sentence. My older brother is in jail. My other brother is clean two weeks now, now that my older brother is in jail.

Q: Why do you think that is who you wanted to be?

I thought it was cool, you know? I liked to dress like it. I liked the baggy clothes. I liked the chorla. I liked to feel like I was in control. I liked to threaten people. I liked that mean image. I wanted to be like I didn’t care no more. I was going through so much pain in my life, maybe I wanted to make other people feel like shit. That’s how I felt. In order to feel happy, I had to make other people feel the same way. I don’t know. I don’t know why I was interested in it, but I liked the attention I got. I liked everything that had to do with it. I liked it at that time. Now, I didn’t like when I went to the D home, that’s when I would call my mom. My mom has always been there for me. Other than that, that’s just what I wanted to do at that time.

Q: When your dad died, were you able to see a counselor about that?

My dad’s death was really traumatizing to me. He never accepted me as his daughter. When my mom got pregnant with me, dad was flying back and forth to Mexico to make a living for his family. When I was born my grandma told him I wasn’t his daughter so he never accepted me. He use to hit me a lot, when I was little. When he died, I remember, I don’t know why it was, but his spirit used to come back to me. I used to see my dad after his death. In the night. I used to cry, I was afraid of my dad. I got really sick fromthat and I almost died when I was really young. That happened for about, until I was nine years old, my dad’s spirit used to come back to me at night. Finally one day, I told him to leave me alone and he never bothered me again. It took me a long time to be able to tell him to leave me along. My mom always said, “Just tell him to leave you alone.” But I couldn’t for a long time because I was so afraid. I have never grieved my dad’s death. I have never been able to process that.

When my dad died, everybody just came into my family and… did whatever they wanted to do with us. They abused us. I’ve been sexually molested… I guess people just wanted to take advantage because there was no one there to protect us, since there was no father figure. My uncles mainly. That continued for a while. Until I was about maybe, until my mom got involved with my step dad. I guess after that, they, my uncles wouldn’t go to my house. Before, they would beat my mom up. Finally she got involved with another guy and they’re still together to this day. It stopped when I was about 13, when I started using drugs. Even then they would come in, try to tell us what to do, try to control us, stuff like that.

Q: Why did you move on to snorting coke or smoking crack after huffing?

I started drinking a lot. A lot. To where I would have a drink everyday. And at the parties they would have coke. I started doing coke. I started selling crack. There were two gangs- the Juaritos and Surenos. These were guys, they were from California. They were known to the police as racqueteers. I was hanging around with these guys and before I knew it, they were smokingcoco puffs- you know cigarettes with crack in them. That was my first encounter with crack, smoking it like that. I remember telling myself, “Oh, I’ll never smoke pipe.” Like there was a difference.

After a while, I just started smoking it from the pipe and I just didn’t want to do anything else. I always had to drink when smoking. I had to even myself out with alcohol. Alcohol was always a main factor with my addiction. I am more of an alcoholic because the beer always leads me to more things. I’ve always put them together. The only time I did one without the other was when I couldn’t get the other. I always used them two drugs together.

Q: When you went to Austin, what help could you not find here in Albuquerque?

I just knew I couldn’t do it here in Albuquerque. I don’t know. My kid’s dad, he got offered a job out in Austin, Texas so we moved there. I was doing pretty good until I found crack out there. I am the one to leave and not come home for days. I think on my behalf, there is a lot of irresponsibility, as far as doing drugs. I can’t control myself when I do it. When I start to use drugs, I do it until I can’t go no more. When I want to stop is when I can’t get high no more. That’s the extreme that I go to when I use drugs or when I drink. My husband, he won’t do that. He’ll drink one beer. I’m not like that. I can’t do that.

Q: So going to Austin, it wasn’t necessarily because there weren’t services in Albuquerque?

I wouldn’t have been able to do it here. You know what I mean? I know I wouldn’t have been able to- at that time.

I went to the hospital and they told me I was dilated two centimeters, but you have to be dilated four to get in. So my husband came down and we rented a room. He asked me to go get him a rock. In my head, I was thinking I wasn’t going to smoke none. But once I got it in my hand, I don’t know what I was thinking. There was no excuse for me, but I did it. I ended up smoking crack that whole night. That morning I went into labor. I remember driving to the room and feeling a contraction. It was all over my face that I was in pain. I was going to go to the bath, but when I started to walk, her head came out. I didn’t even feel no pain I was so much in shock. I just knew I had to push her out. Before I knew it, the ambulance was there.

She tested positive, but she was fine. My daughter is five now. Right now, the children are with Manuel and my mom.

Q: How have they responded to what’s been going on?

My daughters, my mom has been there 90% and I’ve been there maybe 10. My going in and out of jail, into programs… My daughters are well-behaved, are healthy, for what I know. I tell my daughters the truth. I don’t lie to them. I don’t want somebody else to tell them. I want to be able to let them know what is going on in my life, why I did these things.

As far as my relationship with them. They know I am there mom. They know I am in this program. They ask me when am I going to go home. Right now my family is really dysfunctional because I am not there. My mom watches them, but my mom also has a full time job. They are getting taken care of, but they are not getting everything that they need. There is a lot of work I need to do when I get home.

Q: What do you mean, you weren’t taking care of yourself?

I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t doing none of my prenatal care.

Q: Why didn’t you eat?

Because I was using drugs. When I smoke crack, my appetite just goes. I don’t eat. I would eat, but not the way I was supposed to and stuff.

Q: What was the experience like, giving birth in jail?

It was awful. But I knew that, if I wouldn’t have gone to jail, I probably woulnd’t have stopped using drugs and that could have led me to losing all of my kids. So today I am thankful for that. It’s hard to be in jail and be pregnant. They don’t give you all the food that you need. Especially coming off the drugs. You’re always hungry. Having my daughter, the people at the jail were pretty fast at getting me to the hospital. Just having my daughter, and seeing that she was okay… She was my smallest baby. She weighed five pounds. But I think the hardest thing was for me to go back to jail and for her to go with my mom because I wasn’t able to be there for her. She is really attached to my mom. I am thankful my mom was able to go get her, and that she came out clean.

Q: How much time did you have with her before you had to go back to jail?

Three days. In the hospital.

Q: The other women in the jail, what was there response when you got back?

They were happy. There is a lot of love and affection when you’re- yeah, there’s fights- but… just cuz we are drug addicts doesn’t mean we are mean people and stuff. There’s a lot of things that have happened to each and every one of us, mistakes that we have made and whatever. Jail, I think of it as God’s hospital. It puts the breaks on you. You see some people practically dying and they go to jail and get healthy. They really cared a lot about me when I had my daughters, the other women. That was cool.

Q: How do you think God looks at addiction?

I think God has given us our own choice of mind. I think that there has been, that there is a lot of evil waiting around. Sometimes, especially for me, I’m an awesome person when I am not on drugs. But when I start doing drugs I am a different person. I think for me to have lived a life of turmoil, destruction, is because I chose to do the drugs and stuff.

Whenever I, this time, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I would find myself in jail. That’s happened to me plenty of times. I remember one night I left and I saw Manuel on the street. I had been up for one week. I needed to go home, but I wasn’t going to go home unless something made me stop. That night he said a prayer for me. The next day I was in jail. Sometimes God puts the brakes on you and puts you in jail. I think the cops are there to help people like myself, who are near death. There are a lot of times when I could have been dead- like when I got raped, when I got in a car with somebody I didn’t know. God may have prevented that by putting me in jail, that’s how I look at it.

Q: How do you view treatment programs as opposed to jail?

I did detox in jail. Jail, to me, I never got involved with none of the stuff going on in jail. I did what I needed to do. Going into detox helped me realize my triggers, that I was an addict, that there was a better way of life. That I could do it one day at a time. Before, I was always wanting to be ahead of everything. I stayed in the detox program for five months. I did it, I graduated, and I became a mentor. That helped me- giving back to the community. That helped me in my recovery.

Before, the whole atmosphere was different for me. In programs, looking for jobs, everything was different. The smell of the air. Everything was different, I didn’t want to be there I guess. Now, I’ve been at this program for four months. I have two more months left. I am really doing everything I hoped to do. I don’t want to live like that no more. If I go back, either I will kill someone or they will kill me. Where I left off, was not a good scene. That’s what addiction is- wherever you leave off, that’s where you pick back up. I won’t start again as some 13-year-old getting high, I will go back to where I just was. I have to remind myself of that.

The supervision is also important. A lot of programs, they just want your money. But here, Beatrice, she really cares about us. She can be hard on us sometimes, but she really cares.

Q: What has been the key for your success here?

How to go somewhere and come back home. I would always- “Hey, I’m going to the store.” But then I wouldn’t come back home. Now, I go to a meeting and come home, go to the store and come home.

Q: What do you hope to do in two months when you leave?

I am planning on keeping my job. It’s a really good job. I work at the commissary at the base. I plan on getting married to my kids’ father. I’ve been with him for nine years and he’s stuck by my side. We plan on getting married. Basically, spend a lot of time with my daughters. Maybe try to get some counseling for them. Just be, a better mother. A better person. In everything I do. Go to church. For me, that is the most important relationship that I have right now- with God.

I will go to my mom’s house. Stay at home until we get some money. My mom, she doesn’t want me to take the girls. She is really attached to them- of course, she raised them. It will be really hard. My oldest is six. I have a five, three and two year old, too.

I just want to say, that today my life is wonderful. My life, I wouldn’t expect it to be anything better. There is a way out of addiction. With the proper help and the support, there is another way of life.