Stephanie is a patient at Gaudenzia in Baltimore

I did not know the city had a program for mothers and children- I have a son here.

Q: How old is he?

Five.

Q: And are you from Baltimore?

Yes.

Q: Why did you enter treatment?

I got tired. Sick and tired of living the drug life. I started asking around about a program for women and children- I was not going to leave my child. He’s my only child. It took me many years to have him.

Q: How long did it take you to find a place?

About three months. I’d been asking- but I wasn’t serious about treatment at first- but I’d say about the last three months.

“You learn about the addiction of yourself.”

Q: How has it been?

Very well. Very well. You learn about the addiction of yourself. It’s not something where you have stop and get clean- it also teaches you how to stay clean. You don’t just learn about the physical effects.

You have a lot of people with abuse stories before the drug use took place. You are dealing with feelings of why and how.

We’re not ripping and running. We all slow up- we do gain weight.

And the structure- it brings back structure into your life. It’s a good program.

For me, it’s the willingness because I want to do it. I want a life and I want to live right. To have direction you have to have a structure. The main thing is how bad you want it. So my life is what I want.

Q: Had you been in treatment before Gaudenzia?

No, this is really my first one. I was in a program for pregnant women with addictions. I went there because I wanted a clean baby. I didn’t necessarily want to get clean, but I wanted a clean baby.

Q: What has been the hardest part of being here?

For me, I had to humble myself. When you take on something new and you don’t really know what it’s about you have to sit still. You have to sit still and humble yourself. Not that it was really hard, but it was something different.

Q: When did you begin using drugs?

Twenty-one years ago. You know it’s funny because at first I didn’t think drinking and smoking marijuana- that it was a big substance at first. But it is. I didn’t know one thing would lead to another.

From there I started the heroin, as time went down the line. I had tried the cocaine, but the heroin was my main choice. So basically it went from one drug to another.

I can’t really say when it happened, but it did happen. As time went on I guess I told myself, “Let me try something else.” I wanted a different type of high.

Q: Why?

Being curious- it’s that saying, “Curiosity killed the cat.” Nobody made me use. Being around people, places, things… Watch the company you hang out with because you become the company. It’s not always true, but just being around it… I would try this and see if I liked it, not knowing I would like it. Not knowing that after that first one I would pick up the other ones. The ones I talked bad about.

To think back on it, even living in the projects- I still had family and friends that did not pick up… the lifestyle- it just didn’t matter. Thinking I would have control, I didn’t think one would become many. The whole thing with me is, I tried it. I wanted to try it. I picked it up and I tried it. I made the choice… I could have said no... But I made that choice.

Q: How has your family responded to your problems around drugs?

It was hard for them. At first, they didn’t know. They didn’t know because I was independent. I always worked. I took care of myself, not knowing the drug problem would become their problem, too. I felt like I let them down. I had so much going for me- my family’s very supportive.

Family and friends came up to me, they didn’t like it, but they said they would help me.

Eventually they let go. They knew I had to deal with it myself. They let go- but they never gave up.

Q: What are your plans for the future?

To work. To go back to school. Not to pick up. Be the best I can be.

I was detoxed before I came here. This program, you have to be sure enough clean. There is no methadone program. That’s another reason I chose this program.

Q: Why not methadone?

I don’t knock it, because from people I know, some people just don’t know how to stop and need that help with stopping. You have to pick what’s best for you. You know what’s best for yourself. If that’s what it takes for them to stop, I’m all for it.

Q: Did you inject heroin? How did you use it?

Sniffing.

Q: Did you know people who injected?

Friends- a few. I used to think using a needle was worse than sniffing it because I had friends that shared needles- on HIV. I had friends that died with needles still in their arms. To me, I’m thinking that’s getting worse in their bodies, that mine… I come to find out that it’s the same- I’m just doing it a different way.

Q: What do you think could be done to better address drug addiction in our society?

I think they need to educate people more about it. When they hear addiction they think of people using drugs. Addiction can go in many directions- food, shopping… they need more programs, especially in Baltimore with its high rate.

There needs to be more funding for addiction. They need to educate the people more. There are a lot of family members who don’t know- a lot of friends…

Usually when they hear someone is addicted they shy away. But actually, if they just talked to that person they could learn a lot.

Just locking them up won’t do anything. Locking them up won’t help them- that’s not the answer. I’m not saying don’t lock them up for the crime, but that’s not the answer.

You can’t sweep it under the rug because it’s not going anywhere. And they’re getting younger and younger today.

“Everybody who has used has a story behind it. And no two stories are the same. You may hear something from somebody’s story that you can relate to, but no two stories are the same.”

Q: Is there anything else you would like to say?

The program do work if you work it. For me, and having a son, too, it’s about wanting my life back; what I want to get out of life, offer life, what I want to do in life. Being happy, having fun- living life on life’s terms. Being independent, knowing I can do it, and knowing most of all I don’t have to pick up. As long as I don’t pick up I know I will be alright.

Q: How is your son?

He’s fine. He probably adjusted to the place quicker than I did. He doesn’t look at it as a program- first of all, he’s five. I don’t put my pressure of addiction on him.

He hears everything and sees everything. We have to be mindful they are watching as they’re our future and they will tell it. They get the recreation they need, the school, summer camp. They have the free time and the good time while we’re working on ourselves.