I met Jim in a brickyard/industrial zone in Cicero on the western edge of Chicago over Labor Day Weekend. I was moving on foot with Greg Scott, a PhD studying injection technique and vein care among Cicero’s IDU population. Jim came upon us waving a giant pipe as we spoke with some “homeless” injectors who had set up camp alongside nearby railroad tracks.

Interview is currently being edited...

I’ve been arrested and I’ve been to prison five times for mostly possessions and stuff and it was only for personal use and I’m not harming anybody but myself. You know, I admit I’ve done some criminal acts at times to get money to do the drugs, I won’t deny that. But, mainly I have pretty much always worked and supported my habit, you know what I mean? I’m not harming anybody but myself, even though, in a way I harm the people that love me because I am hurting myself.

“Habits are hard to break.”

Basically, I grew up in Berwyn, it’s a western suburb of Chicago right outside the city limits. I come from a dysfunctional family. Both of my parents were alcoholics, divorced when I was two years old. But my dad remarried and my mom, my dad, and my stepmother stayed friends and actually drank together and played cards together and stayed friends. My dad was in my life, but mostly as an alcoholic. It wasn’t until I got to be 15 or 16 years old that my dad actually quit drinking. But then my dad died like three years after he quit. He died at a fairly young age, at like 47 or 48. I was only 18. 18 or 19, something like that.

Now my mom, she was a binge drinker who drank for like a month straight and then would go on the wagon for six months to a year and then go on another month binge. She did that all my life. All her life, okay? She died at a fairly young age. My mom died when she was 60 and that was just 7 or 8 years ago. Of Cancer. Both my parents died from cancer. For my dad, I think it had to do with smoking and excessive alcohol.

I am 41 years old. I started drinking, which was the first thing I ever do. I think the first drink I ever took was when I was 12 or 13 years old.

Q: What did you have?

I remember the first time I ever got drunk, I stole a bottle of Boonesfarm Apple Wine from the Jewel [grocery store chain] and drank the whole thing down because it was like punch. I got so drunk, I had to piss so bad I couldn’t even pull my thing out of my pants fast enough, I pissed all over myself. I had to go and couldn’t get it out fast enough, so I pissed all over myself.

I remember after that probably within the next year, me and my buddy Gino, would go to a local pizza/liquor store and get somebody to buy us- we would pay them and they would buy us- like a fifth of Southern Comfort. We would just walk down the alley drinking the whole thing until we were falling down on our face stupid drunk. Now I am probably 14 years old when I was doing this.

I have an older sister. She’s the eldest. She’s married, second time, has three children. I think she might have a drink or two occasionally. Very occasionally. I think she may have smoked pot once in her whole life. My sister is like the angel sent from heaven for the whole family. She took care of my mom. She took care of us kids- the boys- I have two brothers, an older brother a couple of years older than me and then a younger brother a couple of years younger than me. Now my younger brother is my half brother. We have the same mother but a different father. Even though our names are different I still love him. He’s still blood. I love him just as much as I love my other brother.

I guess my sister was the angel, never did anything. Now my older brother… Me and my two brothers grew up and hung out with the same guys- partied with the same guys- 14, 15,16, 18 years old. I would say from 14-18 we hung out together, did all kinds of drugs. We smoked a lot of pot, acid, PCP, dust, you name it, we did it. Sniffed glue. Did everything. Everybody was doing everything. If it got us high, we wanted it. We would go to concerts and just party.

I dropped out of school. My mom actually signed the papers to let me drop out when I was 16 years old. You could drop out back then at 16 with parent consent. My mom signed to get me out. Actually, I got kicked out of regular school in 7 th grade. I kept getting trouble in class, got sent to the principal’s office. They kicked me out of junior high and I had to go to a special ed school.

My significant other now is a special education teacher who deals with ld-bd [learning disability-behavioral disorders], learning disabled and behavioral disordered. I would have probably been classified behavioral. I never had a learning problem, I just got into trouble a lot.

So I went to special education for the rest of 7 th grade. Eighth grade, but what was weird, I got to graduate with the 8 th grade class from the junior high I got kicked out of- Lincoln Junior High. I still got my 8 th grade diploma from the junior high I attended before I got kicked out.

Q: What is your drug of choice?

At this point, heroin is my drug of choice. The first time I think I ever shot up heroin, I was 16 or so. Actually, I fell in love with the needle somehow right away. It was mostly powder cocaine. I used to shoot a lot of powder cocaine. For years.

Q: When did you start that?

When I was 16 years old. What happened was, there was a bar across the street from the Burger King that me and my buddies and my brothers all hung out at on one of the main streets of town. There was a biker bar across the street on the corner called the Gordonsville Depot. The owner, Mike, was a biker, long hair past his shoulders, moustache, jeans, t-shirt, biker wallet with the chain. Actually, he never owned a motorcycle when I know’d him. He must have gotten in an accident when he was younger.

Q: Was he dealing?

There was a lot of drugs in the bar. Mike did a lot of drugs. He did a lot of cocaine. A lot of cocaine. I never seen him do heroin. Actually, he used to, when I met him, started snorting cocaine, but at the last couple of years of our friendship, before Mike passed, he shot a lot of cocaine and I never knew he shot heroin, but I found out later he did. He never did it in front of me. Mike, I got introduced to him because I was sitting on the stoop of his business, the side entrance to the building, and he was doing something or another, and I forget what the exact words were, but we started talking, and he asked me if I was interested in making some money and I asked, what do you have in mind? And he said, I have a shoot in the bar, when I finish a can, I throw it in the shoot and it goes in the basement. The whole basement is full of cans. I have a can crusher, and he said, would you be interested in crushing up all of those cans? If you crush them and bag them up, I’ll split the money with you. Oh, that doesn’t sound like a bad deal. Actually, I think he wound up giving me all of the money, because it took me quite a while to crush up these cans. I didn’t go relentlessly every day, but I would drink coffee in the bar, and he would treat me almost like a son. I feel like he treated me like a son. He gave me drugs, got me high, he would smoke pot with me, hash with me, turn me on to cocaine. He let me drink- I was an underage minor.

We became- he treated me almost like a son. He never was married or had any kids. He would take me up to his summer home to go fishing. He actually ran, he would set up these weekend parties. He would set up a stage and would put together his own light show I would help him build. And he would have concerts on his property. Weekend biker parties. I don’t know if you know what a biker party is, but they are wild. Really wild. The women they would pass around, all kind of drugs, really wild.

I probably could have had my choice of the women I wanted because that’s how the biker guys are. If you’re their friend, they’ll let you fuck their old lady. It’s weird, but if I wanted to fuck somebody or get my dick sucked, all I would have had to say is, “Coach man, I want that girl to suck my dick.”

Anyways, Mike died. Actually, I was 18 years old. Not when he died, but he had a good friend of his called Walter. And Walter’s wife was named Rose. And they would frequent the bar. They brought in a friend of theirs named Linda. These people are older- like 12 years older than me. Well, they bring in this blonde woman named Linda, very, very attractive. Oh my god, beautiful green eyes. Long, straight, light brown hair, to her ass. Gorgeous. She was 30 years old. And I’m 18 years old. She’s the one you would give a second look to. You would have to do a double take.

This was the first time I’d ever seen her in the bar. Mike says, hey, “Bowser, do me a favor, watch the bar, me, Rose and Walter are going to go in the back and get high. Smoke some pot and do some coke and we’ll be back out. While you’re watching the bar, keep an eye on Linda here. I was watching the bar by myself. I was tending bar and taking care of customers, it wasn’t a problem even though I was underage. The beer can crushing job turned into a job cleaning bar on a regular basis.

Linda, I was sitting there talking with her, what she told me later, she thought I was older, she thought I was at least 21 since I was in their drinking and working the bar. Linda, after about 15 minutes, Coach (mike), Rose and Walter come back out. Coach says, “Hey, Bows’, I left you something on the desk in the office you know. Something to get high on. .Some coke I think and some hash. He liked to smoke a lot of hash.

He says, “Why don’t you ask Linda if she wants to go back with you and get high?” This woman, she was dressed up. She must have just come from a function or something. So I say, Linda, are you interested in getting high? Well, Linda was in the process of getting a divorce and her husband was pretty successful with his business. They had a nice house on Riverside. They had just come back from living in Washington DC. He worked for a railroad. He was a shipping coordinator or something. But they weren’t getting along. She was filing for divorce. She was out looking I guess. She liked what she saw standing behind the bar. One thing led to another and we fell in love and that was my first and only wife I’ve ever had. I married her when I was 21 years old. She actually stayed with me through a prison term. My very first prison term that I did for breaking into a delicatessen when I was drunk on my ass. Across the street from my own house alright, my mother sees someone throw a brick through the window of this delicatessen and go through the window, so she calls the Police, alright? Next thing she knows, she sees her son being dragged out of the store by the cops and getting the shit kicked out of him. “Oh my god, I just called the police on my son!” Anyways, I didn’t hold that against her. Last thing she knew it was 2ockolc in the morning and I went in and shut my door and pretended to be sleeping.

I was like 19 when I did the offense. Me and Linda had been together for a year. I got sentenced when I was 20. I did a whole year in the state of Illinois, Department of Corrections, got released when I was 21. December 7, we got married on that day. The day they bombed Pearl Harbor, I got married on that day. Linda was 33 and I was 21.

Q: After married, did she start using h as well?

No, no, no, no. No. I’d only used heroin maybe once or twice. I didn’t get addicted to heroin or anything like that. I used to shoot cocaine, but not with her. We drank together, occasionally I would get her to smoke a joint, but she was a good person, came from a good background, a good family. Educated, you know, a good woman. We were together for 10 years and finally my drug addiction got the best of me.

I was spending every single penny I had on getting high.

Q: Were you in treatment before the divorce?

I had never been into treatment.

When I was with my son’s mother, who I started dating at the end, actually, this is going to blow your mind, Me and my ex-wife Linda were divorced, but back together. We split up, a couple of weeks go by and my brother’s wife, Laurrie’s brother, has this girl friend named Kelly. Divorced, has two kids. Introduces her to me, and we hit off. We had a son. Her third child is my son, carries my last name. He is now, my son just turned 16 years old. August 19 th. So… Anyways, Kelly’s pregnant and she has my son. Right after she has my son, me and her are fighting because of my drug use and so we split up. Well, I start dating my ex-wife again. Wouldn’t you know it, after 10 years, she gets pregnant. And she’s in her 40’s now. She gave me a daughter, doesn’t have my last name, it’s a no-no in my book. That’s my child, I want that child to have my name. I feel very strongly about that. Boy or girl, whatever, their mine, I’m their father, I want them to have my last name.

Q: When did you first enter Treatment?

My wife had my daughter, and the day my wife had my daughter on December 25 th, Christmas Day- my wife was married twice before she married me. She had one child from second husband, Andrew.

After we get divorced, she went back to using second husband’s last name so her two kids would have the same last name- Wilson.

I hit the ceiling. I was pretty lit that day. I spit in her face and told her, I called her all kinds of names right there in the delivery room. Her mother was actually the one in there holding her name while she had the baby. Actually, nobody even called me. We were fighting. I called the hospital and rushed there. It was Christmas Day. She tells me she is giving my daughter his last name, I call her a bitch and walk out of the hospital.

My daughter will be 15 this December. I’ve seen her once in a car seat when she was like maybe a year old and haven’t seen her or her mother since…

Q: In a car seat?

She was on the road and I pulled up next to her, recognized her, and followed her home. She pulled into the drive way next to her mother’s house and blew the horn. I got out of the car and the next thing I know, some guy comes out of the house. He says, hey who are you? And I say who the fuck are you , mind your own fucking business, I’m here to see my daughter. And he says, oh you must be Jim. Well actually, Me and Linda are engaged to get married. I hadn’t seen my daughter a year and half.

I guess they met because he had bought the door next door to Linda’s mother. Well, he said, if you want to see your daughter, Linda wants you to go through the legal process. Well, I said you know, fuck it. I didn’t blow my stack. I just figured okay, I’ll take her to court. But I got so wrapped up in drugs I never did that.

Hopefully my daughter will find out she has a biological father and when she gets old enough she will want to meet him and come look for me in which case I will deny her nothing. It’s her mother’s choice that I not be in her life. Probably because I am a drug addict and she didn’t want that influence on her daughter. And I can’t blame her. Even though I am her father and would have given her love and attention as any father would. But I am a drug addict, and I am irresponsible. And I probably wouldn’t have bee n there when times got tough because I would have been out getting high or doing something stupid.

After me and Linda split up, after she had my baby, I went back to seeing my son’s mother. We were together for five years. The fourth year, I am back heavy into cocaine, shooting and smoking. No heroin yet. I had done it a couple of times, but it wasn’t my drug of choice. Cocaine was. I loved to shoot cocaine.

Q: How many kinds of treatment programs have you tried?

I’ve done several detoxes. I’ve done methadone treatment. I have done suboxone a couple of times. I have been in two, three, four, five detox centers. Days to weeks in in-patient treatment recovery. In the suburbs of Chicago, hospitals. Places set up just for detoxing and rehab. I’ve actually, to be honest, I just got out of treatment three days ago.

Keys to Recovery. I was there one week in the detox. Actually they call it intensive out patient, but I was in-patient. I was actually in a hospital.

Q: Why did you go?

I was getting tired of my lifestyle.

I have insurance because of my last job, but I got fired because of my drug use.

Q: When?

A month ago. I worked for a gutter company. We put gutters on that block leaves and debris from getting in your gutter.

“I feel like a dog chasing its tail.”

Q: So your health insurance paid for the in-patient program?

It paid for my all my hospital costs.

It’s getting to a point where it is no fun getting high anymore. It’s a pain in the ass and I feel like a dog chasing it’s tale. I don’t think God’s intention was to put me on this earth to be a dope fiend and a drug addict and to get nowhere in life. My desire, actually, I am involved with a woman right now that I would love to marry. She is a 3 rd, 4 th, 5 th grade school special education teacher. She comes from a good background. Has never used drugs in her life.

When I first met her I was clean for a year. In a halfway house. She was the office manager of the company that I worked at. Her brother in law was the general manager of the company and I started working for him and met her. It was another gutter company.

Q: What did she say about use?

She just cannot understand. She cannot comprehend it is a disease, like Cancer.

Q: Does she get mad?

Oh yeah, extremely mad. She doesn’t understand why I can’t just choose to not do it. Why I can’t have just one drink without the world falling apart.

I went into treatment because I would love to be able to get off the drugs and have a productive, happy, healthy relationship with this woman. I am definitely in love with her. I think I love her more than I have ever loved anybody else in the world. She is an awesome person. Spiritually, intellectually, physically. She just, ah, rings all my bells… You know? She’s got it as far as I am concerned. I would definitely rater her five star.

I definitely love Susan.

Q: What is your plan?

…I keep backsliding. Fucking up. Getting high. I think it has a lot to do with the way I was raised. But, um. Anyways. I would love to get my life together and it’s just not that easy.

Q: How long was the treatment program?

It was one week. Part of resurrection healthcare. It’s about half an hour, forty minutes from here, out past the airport.

Q: So what do you want to do? Methadone? Suboxone?

No, I don’t want to do anything. I am tired of being dependent on anything. I don’t want to be dependent anymore. I want to be responsible and I want to grow up and be a man. Get off this shit and you know, my family pretty much doesn’t talk to me because they know I am getting high. But if I straightened out my life, they would more than love to be in my life. But it’s because I choose to use they choose not to be associated with me. And I can’t blame them. I got to their parties and sit there and nod out. It’s embarrassing. Like I said, actually, my brother Ray drank a lot and did a lot of coke and did recovery and has been clean 10, 12 years now.

Q: What has he said to you about it?

He really doesn’t talk to me that much about my addiction problems. Probably because he feels too close to the situation. He doesn’t want it to be biased advice that he would give. I respect him for that. He knows it would be a bias. Anything he says would be biased because he is my brother and anything he says, there is an emotional attachment there that would definitely weigh on anything he would say. He figures it’s best to just not say anything.

You have to want it. I can’t do it for my brother or for my girlfriend, Susan. I can’t do it for my mom, my dad, my kid, my brother. I can’t do it for anybody, I have to do it for me, I have to make that decision, this is a daily life or death struggle. Just like waking up around here everyday is… an adventure.

Q: Where living?

Actually, because of my drug addiction, I was living with my girlfriend who owns a beautiful home in Brookfield, with a pool in the backyard, with some beautiful cars. I used to own a couple of those cars. She has three daughters. Her oldest daughter just graduated from Ball State University in Indiana. She is also a teacher.

I was living with my girlfriend and I went into treatment, and she said I had to stay somewhere else when I got. She said, “You cant’ stay with me until you get your life together.” She was tired of being a crutch. The relationship was in a downhill, as far my physical, well, not phys. I don’t hit women. I don’t believe in hitting women. That is not one of my character traits. It appalls me. I would beat the shit out of any guy I see hitting a woman. I don’t believe in that at all. But there was some emotional abuse. I probably used and have taken from her in my addiction and you know- used and abused you could say. And she’s tired of it. She wants me to get back on my feet when we first met.

Q: When was last time saw her?

Couple of days ago. She picked me up from the hospital. I will probably see her tonight. I am going to see if she will let me come to the house to take a shower. I haven’t taken a shower for two days now. I need some clean clothes and stuff. But she won’t let me stay there.

She said she’s not going anywhere. She’s not going anywhere else. But she wants me to get my life together. I’m in limbo.

Q: What are you waiting for?

I have to make the decision. It has to be for you. It has to be from your heart. You have to put it in your mind, hey, you know what, I have to stop, this has got to stop. I need to get a support system in place and set some goals and you know, get wrapped up in a program and definitely at least get 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor. Do what the sponsor suggests. Work on my 12 steps. The Big Book. Read the Word. You know- whatever. Get it together.

It’s not – I’m a little high, so you’ll have to excuse me. I tend to do that- think about one thing and say something completely different.

Basically, I have to make a decision. What do I want to do with my life. I like getting high. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be doing it all my life. But at this point, it’s getting to be too much.

Q: How much are you spending on drugs?

Twenty, forty, sixty dollars of dope a day. It depends on funds. Actually, in the last two days I went through like $280. In the last two days.

Q: Where getting syringes before needle exchange?

People I knew that were diabetics. Actually, my friend’s dad was a diabetic so I could steal some of his, or go through his garbage can and clean them out. Clean them with bleach three times and then rinse with water really good. And the rig- if you take care of it and use it properly, if it stays sharp you can use it quite a while.

Q: What would you say to folks out there about drugs and addiction?

You mean kids? Definitely don’t get involved in drugs. It robs you of life. You might think it’s cool and have a good time starting out, but believe me, when you get addicted, it turns your life to hell. Believe me, take it from me. I am a five time convicted felon. I’ve been to prison five times. I don’\t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I definitely would not recommend this to anybody. Educate yourself and find out if you are curious. But don’t get involved in drugs. It’s nowhere.

Q: What do you mean, “find out if you are curious?”

I mean educate yourself about it, but don’t get caught up in it. It robs you of your life. It’s robbed me of my life. I am 41 years old and like I said, I don’t have anything. I am fortunate enough that I have family members who still love me even though I don’t talk to them too much. It makes life lonely. I love my family and I’m sure they love me and I would love to be in their life. I am sure they would love to have me in their life. But because I choose to use they choose not to see me. Which, you know, is understandable.

I’ve wasted so much time spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast.

Q: What does that mean? Are you a bad person?

No, I don’t think I am a bad person. I just think there are some issues I have a hard time dealing with. I was told by my sponsor that I have a hard time dealing with my emotions that I run to the drugs to deal with my emotions because I don’t know how to deal with them. And I think that stems from not being raised in a nurturing, loving environment as a kid. I think I stuffed a lot of my emotions as a kid. I would get yelled at from my mom or my dad and I wouldn’t act out or say how that made me feel. I didn’t know hot to express my feelings, or channel my feelings in a positive way. I just sort of stuffed them and stuffed them and STUFFED THEM. I don’t know how to deal with them, so I run to drugs to get high. Because I can’t deal with my emotions. I know that if anybody everybody ever does get involved in drugs and it does become a problem, say I was talking to kids, if it ever does become a problem, and you want help, go to AA. It will definitely teach you how to … break free. If that’s what you really want. It will help you get in touch with a higher power. It’s not areligious program, it’s a spiritual program. There’s a big difference between religion and spirituality.

I don’t care what religion you are, or even if you are an atheist, you have to believe there is something out there greater than you are. That started all of this. Who made this rock? Who made these trees? Who made the sky?... Who made the stars? The sun? If you look at life at that kind of an aspect, then you’ve got to understand that somebody, something greater than us humans put all of this in place, set all of this in motion. It didn’t just happen. If you’re a non-believer in Jesus Christ and God, who I choose to call my higher power. God created the earth in seven days. The earth, the skies, the heavens.

Q: What have been some of the results of the needle exchange?

I think it has done a lot of good. I am sure that the statistics have been- for HIV and AIDS have dropped considerably since there is a way for us addicts to get the necessary materials to do our drugs safely. Now that they are educating us on how to use Narcan and things like that, the death rate has probably decreased from overdose.

I just think it is, the outreach is a, ah, heaven-sent blessing that really has helped the addict. They have done more than just bring needles and supplies. They bring food and gear. If you want to talk and there are doctors if you’re not feeling good that can help with medical issues. I think it is great because it goes to show there are some human beings out there who care.

Q: Have you ever had suboxone

I was under a doctor’s care for suboxone. It is pretty expensive. My insurance doesn’t cover it. It costs like 80$ for a 14 day supply. Which, you know, I mean, if I put as much energy into working a program as I do getting high, I’d probably be okay. There are days when I put a lot of energy into getting a couple of bags just to be well.

Q: What do you do?

I work you know. I do side jobs. I meet people. I paint. I do everything. I have worked for general contractors all my life. I do finished carpentry, rough carpentry, rough framing, dry wall, electrical, kitchens, bathrooms, power, paneling, drop ceilings, dry wall, roughs, siding, facia, gutters… I can build a house from the ground up. I read blue prints, I went to school for reading prints and worked for 25 years doing every phase of home improvement, repair, and new home construction all my life. I can build a house from the ground up by myself.

Q: Have a degree?

No. I started out when I was 16 yrs old. Working as a laborer when I dropped out of school, they were remodeling the Burger King right down the street from my house. I got a job as a laborer making five bucks an hour. Now, I suppose I would be like a full-fledged journeyman carpenter. I never apprenticed for plumbing and electrical, but I can sweat copper and I know all of how to do water supply lines and drains and put the fence in. You name it, I can do pretty much anything from hooking up the water main all the way through the house to the city sewer. Tiles, back water check valves. Electrical, I can wire a whole house, install switches, frame out a whole house. I can dry wall it, tape it, paint it. Do everything. I do tile work, trim mold, crown mold, base, shoe, everything.

Q: When you were in prison, was treatment an option?

Yeah, actually, Gateway is in some of the institutions. You can actually participate and be in a program where the living conditions are a little better. The meetings are a lot, and you can actually earn good time to get out of prison earlier. I think a lot of guys do that just for that incentive.

Q: Over five times in prison, notice changes?

1983 was first. Stayed out 10 years. Back in 1993 and in ’96. 1999. My last one was 2002.

Q: Did you notice differences?

The prison system in the state of IL has changed dramatically. They have a lot more rules. A lot more just strict. In 1983 the gangs used to run the prisons. They had all kinds of drugs, pot. The guards were working for the gangs. It’s a lot harder to get drugs now. The guards are in control and the gangs aren’t anymore. They’ve implemented all kinds of new rules to make it different.

If you were to do time in ’83, you would think, “Oh man, this ain’t too bad.” You had a key to your room, a color TV. It depends on your security level. But minimum-medium, then… (Drops cup)

Q: Is there anything else you can think of?

Not that I can think of. Whoever listens to this. Younger kids or anything- take it from somebody who has done everything there is to do- don’t go down this road. I wish I knew 25 years ago what I know today because I would have been a completely different person. I am going to try to look at them now as being almost like poison to my system. I will have a violent, violent allergic reaction. Yeah- don’t get caught up in drugs. It’s nowhere. It gets you nowhere very fast. You might think you are the life of the party and that this is where it’s at. I guess part of it is feeling like you are going to miss something if you aren’t out partying, but… Love your family. Stick with your family. They will always be there- they will give you that unconditional love that you’ll never find anywhere else.

Unless you get, I know if you get in a program, you can get some unconditional love there from those people too. It helps them to stay sober by loving you.