Dolores is a client at Turquoise Lodge, a residential treatment facility in Albuquerque operated by the New Mexico Department of Health.

I’m from Albuquerque, all my life. Just use my regular name. I have nothing to hide- I’m already around.

Q: When did you get to Turquoise Lodge?

About three weeks ago

Q: Why did you come?

Because I relapsed. Because I was using crack and beer and marijuana. And I was- I went clean for three years and then I just relapsed five months ago. So, that’s why I’m here.

Q: How did your drug use begin?

When did I use first first? I started when I was about 25 years old. I didn’t know nothing about drugs until you bump into, “so long friends” as they say. And they’re the ones that showed me marijuana and beer. I’d done nothing, I was a pretty straight person. When they got through I knew what it’s all about.

Q: What is it all about?

A lousy high. It’s all depressing. It puts your life down. You can’t cope with yourself anymore. You see reality falling on you. And that’s about it, that it can do to your life.

Q: Why did you start up? Friends offered?

Uh, yeah. Not only that, but I start five months ago because my mom had just passed away about seven years ago. And usually I celebrate her birthday with a toke and a cake ok? And instead that day when I was coming home from work and a friend bumped into me and she invited me over to her house. And I didn’t know she was drinking and partying. And I ended up smoking and drinking and doing crack. And I kept on doing it for five months. And my case worker found me. She wanted a UA from me and I could not deny it then and I told her I was high. And either it was back to a program or losing my house.

Q: When you bumped into friend, it was on your mom’s birthday?

It was. And that’s how I relapsed doing crack and beer and pot for five months until my caseworker brought me in here.

Q: Back when you were 25, where are most of those friends now?

Those were uh, ex-friends then. They were just people I used to meet. Actually, I learned to smoke pot and drink when I was married. I started when I was 25 when I was getting beat up by my husband. That’s what started it all.

Q: What do you mean?

He abused me. We got married. He raped me when we got married. We had a child and then he broke a lamp over my head. Well, he actually tied me down, broke the lamp over my head after I had his child and put me in a coma and I had to give up my daughter for adoption. They didn’t think I would be in the right state of mind after that because he messed me up pretty bad.

I was completely sober before I married him. I dated him for three years, never touching me, never hurting me, but that same man, after we got married, raped me, tied me down to the bed, and I got pregnant. I stayed with him for a year, but as soon as I had the baby I divorced him and gave the baby up to his family. Now she is twenty-seven years old.

Q: Did you use with him?

Yeah, he was the one that introduced me to pot. Pot and drinking. But I didn’t realize he was doing heroin. After the coma, I divorced him, gave up my daughter, and left him and went to live with my mom for a while. From there, I stayed single for about two years and then I met another guy and I stayed with him for three years. And he did crack and heroin and I just did crack. We used to live in a shop.

And I also got pregnant by him. After three years passed, I didn’t realize he was involved in mafia, dealing some heavy stuff, dealing crack and crank and pot and the whole nine yards. It came down to these guys were big dudes and they found out he was using all the stuff he was supposed to sell right…. this is kind of hard to talk about… and they found out he didn’t have the money and uh, they had give me a pound of dope and I didn’t realize I was supposed to pay him $500 for the pound of dope, so I smoked it and about eight and a half months after I was pregnant they threatened to kill my old man. And they came and chopped the store all up.

That night we weren’t there. We were at my mother-in laws’ eating and we came back to the store the store and the store was completely tore up. So we went inside the store and we looked around and we went back to the room where we were staying in the back and we were just getting down from the car and I knew he had a gun, a sawed-off shotgun and from there we walked into the house, the little apartment and I had sat down and he told me, “relax.” And he was standing by the door and I was playing with my cards and all of a sudden I heard a BAAANG!! A gun shot. And we were talking and when I looked down… he had his head blown off… all over me. He died in my arms. They tried to blame me that I murdered him. Because I was stupid enough, I went and picked up the gun and put it in the garbage. Thank God he had a rag around it. His parents went into the courthouse and defended me for that.

After that happened, they cremated him and two weeks later I had his child. And I had to give her up for adoption- to his family. I found out that these guys knew where his mom and parents lived and they were threatening to hurt them. They told me that I should go hide or go stay with somebody until everything cools off because they were looking for me. Cuz they said if they couldn’t pay they would go find me and take me out and go make a prostitute out of me and make ‘em pay for what he had to pay.

That’s what they told me after my old man had got shot.

Q: Did he get shot or did he shoot himself?

I don’t know. I never found out what happened there. All I know is his face was gone. I never found out what happened there. They never did tell me. That was a… um, bad experience… anyway.

So I ended up leaving his parents’ house and went to go stay with my mom. I never found out who these guys were either ok. I know they were big nasty guys from California or something. They were bringing in the dope from California.

I stayed with my mom for five years and then my mom got sick. I wasn’t using nothing then. I went completely sober after that. Completely sober. Because my mom had a heart attack and then she had a stroke and then she caught pneumonia. She was dying. After about two months after I had left my man’s house. We found out she was in the hospital. I was the only one of the six of us to take care of her because I wasn’t working. So I told her, “till death do us part I will be with you.” I took care of her for nine years.

So I stayed off of drugs for nine years. It was seven years ago that she passed away. She died in my arms also. When she passed away, my family turned against me. They through me out. I didn’t have a place to go so I became homeless. I lived out in the streets. That’s when St. Martin’s found me. It gave me that chance to take the first step to walk into St. Martin’s to get clearer and housing and all that. Just five months ago I relapsed again. I bumped into a friend and it got me all high. It was my case worker that caught me. She said I could lose my job, lose my house, go back homeless again and she knew I didn’t want that. I was doing so good after three years. So that’s why I’m here.

Q: When you left your old man’s family…

I took care of her for nine months. Two months after I moved in with her, she got ill. Just seven years ago she just passed away. On October the 13 th, I relapsed and did crack and coke and beer. I was losing weight. I worked for them, cleaning offices and I go to AA meeting and everything. That’s when my case worker brought me over here. That’s when I knew I was falling down. I am glad she did catch me, before it was too late.

As soon as I get out Monday, I graduate here Monday! St. Martins is expecting me to go back over there. So, I’ve got my house, my job, my AA meetings and everything there. They give me a house, they gave me an apartment and they pay for it as long as I stay clean and sober.

Q: Why did your family kick you out?

Because we weren’t close to begin with. They always used to pick on me because we would be drinking, all of us, and they would pick a fight with me. Every time they would come over they would pick a fight with me. My mom didn’t like it so she would tell them if you don’t like her, leave her alone or don’t come around. You see, my mom used to buy my beer and pot and they hated that! You see, I’m the youngest of the seven of us. They were very jealous of me. And when she passed away they hated me for them not being there and I was. They weren’t there. You can’t put me down for something I did good and you did bad. They used to come around drunk and cuss me out. Seven days a week- every afternoon, they would come after work and get drunk. All of us lived in one apartment complex. They would all go visit her you know in the afternoon, after work. But I would be the one to take her and bathe her and give her medication and oxygen and stuff like that. Well, once she passed away, I was out that door as fast as they could say, “one, two, three.”

I was homeless for eight months before St. Martin’s found me.

Q: So you’ve been with St. Martin’s for three years?

Yes.

Q: And then you had the five month relapse?

Right. And it’s been seven years since I’ve seen my family until this year. I haven’t seen my family since my mom passed away.

I was immediately homeless.

I was living with my niece. I was being moved around with my sister and my nieces, from house to house. And then I was homeless. I was living from one apartment to another. I took care of them and they figured, you know, “My aunt can’t be like that.” Yeah, I lived with my nieces and my nephews for a while until I had nowhere else to go. I ended up moving out. And then I had an old man also and I’m still with him today. We were both homeless when St. Martins found us.

I still am with him today. And he tried to get me to get away from him also and I wouldn’t, that’s how much I loved him. He would tell me, “you’re not meant to be out here in the streets with me.” But I said that it was okay, I had nowhere else to go. To this day, we’re still together.

I called him today and let him know I will be going home Monday. He is living in the apartment St. Martin’s gave us- we live together.

Q: After mom’s death, did you start using crack again?

No, no, I never used crack or anything until after, I didn’t start using crack until about, ok, I was with this one. We were using crack when I became homeless, very little of it though, we couldn’t buy it. People would pass by the homeless, and you know all the drug addicts want to find a place to do their stuff. So the homeless would find us and bring their pipes and their heroin, because my old man was a heroin addict. All I would do was drink, but every once in a while they would come over.

People would just come, and get us high. And they’d ask us if we could stay. I’d say they could stay anywhere they wanted. It was a big old lot. It was a place where the homeless would hang out because they don’t have nowhere else. I made my own little camp, my own little house, with some baskets from when you go shopping. And I got plastic and wood and one time we found a mattress from behind the store over there, a brand new mattress and that’s how big we made our house. It was the summer time- boy, it was hot! And no trees, no nothing. Thank God we had a building that would let us get water right across the street from us.

My bathroom I mean, my can to cook. I got pans from, you know, certain friends, give me pans so I could cook everything. Do you want to know about my homeless little dog, too?! Hahahaha. Haha. He became homeless with us, too. Until this day, he’s still with us. His name’s Humpy. Hahaheha. He’s a Chow. He was skinny when we found him, he was beat up by wild dogs. Now he weighs 85 pounds and he’s only four years old. So there was three of us, not just two. He came to the camp one day all beat up and just fell right there by the baskets and I said, “Are you going to bite me!” Because there was a lot of wild dogs and I have to be scared you know. And he was over there all sad and wiggling and stuff and I said, “Oh, he’s a friendly little dog,” so I said I’ll take him. And my old man could go panhandle to buy us food. That’s how we would survive, by my old man panhandling. He wouldn’t let me do it, because he wouldn’t let me take no chances. He wouldn’t let me stay there by myself, but once I had that dog I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. He wouldn’t let anybody come near camp. My old man would always come back before it got dark. We made all kinds of pets there. We made owls and road runners and lizards. We made little coffins for the dead ones… It was a hard eight months, but we survived it.

Thank God for St. Martin’s, because they found us, because they supplied our food, our blankets, our clothing, our hats, our jackets until they could get us into St. Martin’s. They have people there that go looking for the people that are homeless. They go looking for us with food and clean needles and stuff. That’s when I took that first step walking into St. Martin’s, being clean.

Q: How did your old man get needles?

They just made sure they had clean needles so they wouldn’t share. His mom didn’t live far from where we were camping at. He would go score from people he knew. St Martin’s has a van that takes dirty needles from them and give them clean so they won’t share dirty needles.

When St. Martin’s offered help to get clean, that’s what we did. My old man went completely sober. That was three and a half years ago.

Q: Where would you be now without St. Martin’s? What would have happened?

I’d be dead. All three of us would be dead, let’s put it that way. Cuz we were already giving up on hope and life. I already told him, if it gets any worse, all we’d do is take a shot, all three of us and knock ourselves dead. It wouldn’t be hard. I’ve never done heroin in my life, it’d kill me real quick.

Q: You were losing hope? What do you mean?

Hope of ever getting out. Hope for drug addict, for abuse. That’s when our prayers were answered. St. Martin’s came looking for us. About two weeks after that, they told us we were welcome to come in and get their help.

Q: Is this your first drug treatment program?

It is. It is! I’ve never been arrested. They can’t even find my birth certificate, because I lost it. They say I don’t exist! Haha.

Q: How do you like the program here?

I love it. At first I was real mad. I didn’t think I needed and I didn’t want to leave my old man either. Now, I am getting use to it. I bring people joy and happiness and hope. I let people know, there is better things in life than drugs and drinking you know. I messed up. I am here because I messed up, but I learned my lesson. You are here for a reason- if you want to be in good hands, let the Lord take it from here. You are here for a reason, you didn’t want no help. But I love it and I am going to miss it when I leave.

Q: Looking back over these experiences, how has your relationship with the Lord changed?

I’ve always had my Lord in my heart, because we are very Catholic. And my mom, she never lose faith in the Lord, because if you do, there will never be faith in you and you will fall as hard as you can tell. And the Devil, she never taught us about the Devil, because she always said, “I don’t believe in no demons.” But we’re Catholic and just believe in God period. Don’t cuss him out. If anything happens, take the responsibility on yourself. I was brought up real strict. If you got out of hand, you got punished. If you were a bad girl, you go stay in your room until suppertime.

We’d hear the church groups on the radio and say our prayers. We could not miss those, my mom made sure we made those. With elders around, you go out with the kids. We were brought up very strict and believing in my Lord. If you’re a kid, don’t be here with the grownups, you have no business with the grownups. And she brought us up alone. My dad passed away, I never knew him. I have learned a lot from her. That is what is really breaking my heart. That is no reason to relapse, but uh, that day, I don’t know what happened. I mean, I do, a friend- I went to her house and I couldn’t say no. It’s like they say, “You can’t resist temptation.” And it’s true, you can’t. And I got busted. I am glad I am here. Because I can go back to my straight, narrow mind and go back like I was. Because drugs and alcohol, I don’t need ‘em.

Q: What would be helpful to better address what’s going on?

Well, it’s up to the person. If you want help, you can come here. Some people, they don’t care. Some people, they have lived in the streets eleven years. They don’t want to get help. They will not associate with such things. They would rather be out. Some people though, would rather be helped than stay with the drug. I have talked a few people into going to St. Martins now.

Take me, I’m willing to go. Five months to three weeks is nothing. If I did it for three years, three weeks I can do. I don’t want to be that all over again. That would be hopeless. And why did I go through all that? To be homeless? No! I want to be permanent with St. Martin’s. I take care of the groups there, I get their coffee and their lunch and I love it. And I am missing it. I am ready to go back to work, to my AA meetings, and go see my old man and my dog. And just be me all over again. Born free. That’s what I want to be, without the drugs. Because drugs, all they do is kill and hurt.