Kim is the mother of a six-month old baby daughter. She is at Carol Graham Home in Missoula, Montana.

Q: How did you get to Carol Graham Home?

Well, I am on probation and I violated my probation… by using again and I got some more tickets. So my probation officer made me come here. I have to complete this program in order to not get my probation violated. I have a felony for… felony theft. I was on drugs and alcohol and taking this person’s truck from a bar and I got charged felony theft for that. I got a five year deferred sentence for that. It will come off my record if I complete probation successfully.

I have had to do several treatments. Two other outpatient treatments that I have completed. After each of those I would be sober for six months at a time, but then I would relapse, so my probation officer decided that I needed to do an intensive in-patient for the long term, like six-nine months or something. I have a daughter, a six month old daughter. That is why she wanted me to come to this facility, because you can have your kids with you. Now I am sober for, let’s see, fourteen months. Yeah.

I have been living here since the end of April. My daughter was a week-old when we moved here. I have almost completed- I should be home in December sometime.

Q: How did your drug use begin?

I am from the reservation; I am Salish Indian. I grew up on the Flathead Reservation. I didn’t actually do drugs until I was 18. I am 26 right now. My mother died when I was 12. They don’t really know what she died of. She died in a sweat lodge. My oldest brother died when I was 16. He was 33; he died of a drug and alcohol dose. When I was 18 my dad died of alcoholic cirrhosis. When I was 18, after my dad died, I just completely… did drugs, just to escape from reality I guess, from all my grief issues.

When I was in high school I was a straight-A student, I was salutatorian of my high school class. I got a scholarship to the University of Montana here in Missoula. I was going to college actually when I started getting into drugs. I have been in and out of college for seven years now. I don’t have a degree though.

Q: Throughout all of this, you had three big losses in a row, were you living with other family members?

I was raised by my aunt and my mom- like, they went back and forth raising me. My mom was a chronic alcoholic until I was six. Then she got sober. After she got sober I pretty much lived with her. Before that, I had been with my aunt and my mom some of the time. After she died, I lived with my aunt. My dad never did live with us. He wasn’t really in the picture until my mom died, that’s when we started our relationship, getting really close, getting to know each other.

I started off just drinking at the college parties and whatnot, sneaking in to the bars. Then the first drug I used was marijuana. I used that for a couple of months. Then I got in this relationship with a drug dealer, he dealt marijuana, and that’s when it really started. Then, me and my friends started doing acid and I did acid for three months straight. I ended up getting suicidal. I had a lot of hallucinations. It took about three or four years before I completely recovered from it and could go back to college. A long time.

I was kind of out of my mind for a couple of years. I didn’t have flashbacks or nothing, but I would talk normally, but it was like I wasn’t really there. I would do really crazy stuff- like how I stole a person’s car. That was probably a result of the drugs and stuff. If you ask people who know me today, they can’t imagine I would do something like that, and I wouldn’t do something like that today. I think it was from being under the influence of drugs.

Plus, I had gotten into a car wreck in ’98. I got a head injury from the car wreck. From the head injury and the drugs and alcohol on top of that, I was where I wasn’t making good decisions. I think, right now, I am just to where I feel really confident and am able to make good decisions. I am back in college, well, I was before I came here for treatment. But I am a straight-A college student, so I have made a really good recovery.

When I was 19 I started getting into crank and cocaine. That’s when I started the harder drugs. I have never been in to anything else other than that. I have smoked marijuana throughout all of the other drugs I had been using. I would smoke crank and snort it.

Q: What year did you steal the car?

I think that was in 2001.

Q: What did you think about substance abuse growing up?

When I was growing up- see my aunt who raised me- she didn’t use or drink or anything. She was completely sober all of the time. I had a good example there. I knew what kind of life I had there versus the kind of life I had with my mom. I grew up not wanting to drink or do drugs. All through high school I convinced myself I wasn’t going to end up like some of my family. With all of the grief issues though, I just couldn’t deal with them anymore. I just didn’t care.

Q: Were you able to access counseling to work through that?

I did, but like, I kind of let myself give into peer pressure. When you go to college and get all of that freedom- that was another thing that contributed to my drug use. My aunt was really strict with me, had high expectations of me. So when I got out on my own in college and had all that freedom, I wasn’t mature enough to handle it along with the grief issues. I also had a lot of pressure from my family and the tribe to go through college and become a lawyer or a doctor. I was such a good student. I was one of the first Native American salutatorians from where I live. I just couldn’t live up to the expectations. It was too much pressure for me.

Q: Was your high school on the reservation? Was it mostly white?

No, it’s about half and half.

Q: What kind of drug education did you have growing up?
Not really, I was kind of shelter growing up since my aunt was pretty strict. I didn’t hang out on the streets or anything like that. I was pretty naïve. I didn’t have any street smarts at all. I knew what alcohol did because of my family, but I didn’t know about drugs at all.

Q: Did you have the DARE Program?

Yeah.

Q: What kind of effect did that have?

It didn’t really. I took it all in and believed what they said. I knew what drugs could do to you, but I didn’t care. After my dad died. I couldn’t face all of those losses. And I didn’t know how to ask for help.

Q: When did you realize your drug use was a problem?

I think I knew from the very beginning. I quit school the second semester. I completed the first, but around then I wasn’t really smoking pot. When I quit school and started doing acid and getting suicidal, then I knew it was a problem. But I don’t know. I was convinced I could still do it.

Q: When did you first seek treatment?

Oh, boy, I think when I was about 19 or 20 is when I first kind of started to get the idea that I had a major problem that was affecting my life and I couldn’t work or stay in school or succeed with anything. I don’t think I took it seriously until after I had stole that truck in 2001. After probation and treatment, it became really apparent I needed help.

The doctor at the hospital suggested I seek chemical dependency treatment after the first car wreck. That wasn’t mandatory though. I was in two car wrecks actually. One in ’98 and one in ’99. Both were drinking-related car wrecks. I broke my back. It was pretty serious. Actually, I was really hurt and in both I had serious injuries.

I went to in-patient treatment first, but I only lasted 11 days. I checked myself out because I just wanted to go get high.

After I got on probation was the first time I was court ordered and actually completed treatment and took it seriously. I just had relapses after treatment was over.

Q: For the inpatient, was that something you had health insurance for or did the state pay?

I have Indian Health Service- they paid for it. All tribes have their own health services that pay for treatment and stuff. Now that I have my daughter I am on Medicaid and they pay for my treatment here.

The tribe wouldn’t pay for something like this, it is too expensive.

Q: Do you have an idea how much this costs per month?

I have no idea. It probably costs a lot. I know I have to pay $112 a month for rent and they take our food stamps and pool them all together to buy food for the whole house. I have no clue how much treatment costs here though.

Q: Why do you think you haven’t picked up for 14 months this time?

Now? Because of my daughter. That’s really changed my priorities. She’s changed everything. I think before I wouldn’t takeit seriously because I didn’t really have any major responsibilities like that, so.... But now, I have a lot to lose if I screw up or start using again. I will lose my daughter most likely or go to jail and I just don’t want to take that chance. I think I have hit a major milestone when I made it past nine months. I have never made it that long. Now I have even more time, so I think this is good. I can’t say I’ll never relapse, because the chances of that are really likely, but I am hoping that I’ve learned and that I’ve learned to ask for help right away and not let it get out of hand.

Q: What is the approach here to treatment?

We do an intensive out patient, which is five days a week from 9-12. Then we have a one on one an hour each week with our counselor. We go to AA meetings. In treatment, there are these modules; you go through grief and loss, co-dependency, relapse prevention. I don’t know, there are all kinds of modules you have to make it through to graduate. There are six or seven.

Q: What happened to your friends who were using in college?

A lot of them dropped out of college. Or like me, they have been dropping in and out of college. None of them have had serious consequences from using like I had. They have all managed to not get in trouble with the law. They have managed to control it some how. Some of them haven’t, but most of them have.

Q: Why do you think some have more difficulty than others?

I just think it is in your genes. I think it kind of depends on how much family support you have. Like me, I don’t have my parents. I have my aunt, but it’s just not the same. I don’t know. I think if you don’t have big grief issues, or major issues, you don’t use it to escape, but for fun. For partying. For fun, it’s not like you are really addicted.

Q: What has your aunt said about your treatment and addiction?

She thinks treatment is needed. She definitely agrees with me going to treatment. She is happy that I am in here getting help. She’s always been, make me go to treatment and stuff. So she is glad that I’m here. She thinks that people do need professional help when they have an addiction like mine.

Q: When you get out in December, do you think you’ll own your own place or move back with your aunt?

I’ll move in with my aunt. I don’t think it would be a good idea to be out on my own. It would be too much freedom. Being here, your environment is very structured and controlled. When I get out there will be way too much freedom, I think it will be hard to adjust to. Maybe three or four months after I will get my own place.

Q: What are some of your goals at this point, longer term ideas?

I just plan on working for about a year probably. I have never been to college and had to support someone else. I have my daughter now. I am afraid to jump right back into school. Plus, my case manager doesn’t think it would be a good idea because I am a perfectionist. I would expect myself to get straight-A’s and do all this. She thinks it would be too stressful. I do want to go back to school but I am undecided on what kind of degree I want. I think I want to go into the health field, maybe health services administration or something. Maybe I could do x-ray technician. It kind of depends on my back. I don’t know if I could be on my feet all day long. I do plan on getting a graduate degree also, but I have to decide which career first.

Q: How would you describe drug use and abuse in this area?

Well, on the reservation it is really common. There is a lot of methamphetamine use and heroin is getting pretty popular. There is of course always alcoholism. It is just rampant. It is out of control. It is the story of life, I guess you just get used to it. Here in Missoula I would say people are better at hiding it. The culture is different I guess. Like, white people are more functioning alcoholics and drug addicts where Indians, if they want to use drugs, will just do that. They won’t really work. It is like all or nothing. Here in Missoula you have to hide it a little bit better. There is a lot of drug use here in Missoula though, among the college kids and the population in general. Drinking is really accepted.

Q: Is it easy to get these drugs on the reservation?

Hm-hmm. Yeah. It’s easy to get marijuana everywhere you go. Kids smoke it. Some kids start out at nine or ten years old. There are a lot of young teenagers. It is already part of their life. Everybody smokes it, even the older population.

Q: How has the tribal council or the leaders responded to these issues?

I don’t really think they’ve done anything about it. I don’t think they know what to do. I think there is an alcohol and drug program, but it is like a joke. I don’t see them doing anything active about it. There are no activities for the kids or drug prevention. I don’t see anything about it. I think they are starting to. We have had a lot of alcohol-related deaths with young kids. One was my cousin. He was 15. And there were two eleven year-old boys who died of alcohol poisoning. And there was a 14-year old boy who died from alcohol poisoning. And a fifteen year old girl… There’s been a lot of deaths in the last year. There are articles in The Missoulian. It’s called “The Lost Boys,” it was a week-long series they did on alcohol-related deaths up there.

Q: What role do the police play? Are people getting in trouble?

I don’t know what they are doing out there, but I don’t see people getting arrested for drug use. They have busts. But… I don’t know. I know they are really understaffed. It is hard for them because they respond to car wrecks and all the other calls. That’s part of why they can’t address all of these issues, there isn’t enough man power.

I think they need out-patient treatment. I think they could definitely use a house like this. And they could use a half way house for men as well as women. I think they could use Turning Point as a role model. They need to have more activities for the kids. I know they have a Boys and Girls Club, but I think they should have a Native American Boys and Girls Club because they don’t do cultural stuff that pertains to the Indians. They just need more education I guess.

Q: Where do you think you would be at this point if CGH didn’t exist?

I would most likely be in Seattle at the Genesis House… I think it’s called. That’s where they would have sent me. Or a place in Great Falls called Grace House. I would have had to go somewhere that would let me bring my daughter.

I think addiction is a disease and people don’t have control over it. They do need help, they can’t just quit. If you have a family member that is using, you can’t just force them to quit. You have to want to quit. Otherwise, you will just relapse afterwards. I just, I think they need to know that drug addicts are good people who have aproblem. If given the right help, they can succeed and live as normal and functioning life as other people. Family support is important, too to succeed in sobriety. I feel lucky too, I am the only one here who has a big family that is supportive to go home to. None of these others girls have that.

Q: What’s it like living here?

It’s hard. I hate it. I come from a culture where you can’t be loud. Or it’s not loud. Here, the kids run wild. In my house, you couldn’t be loud like that or you had to play outside. If you wake up the babies you get in trouble. Here, the kids have had rough lives. They don’t know that stuff. Plus, it’s different on the reservation, the people are different. It’s hard living with so many women. Everyone has their own issues and their own way of doing things. I don’t have a lot of patience with the women here. Some of the girls we have had in the past don’t know how to cook or clean. It’s hard to have patience.

Q: Is there anything else we haven’t gotten to?

I think people do need long term treatment. I don’t think a 30-day treatment center is going to help somebody. I think you need at least a three month intensive program, to make a difference.