Ramon is a client at Homeward Bound, a large treatment facility in Dallas, Texas offering a wide array of rehabilitation services and programming.

Q: Are you from Dallas?

Yes, I am.

Q: Tell me how you got to Homeward Bound.

I am at HB, well, I need to say I been doing dope all my life. Banging dope, smoking, drinking a lot of beer, all my life, since 15.

I would hate to see anybody else go through what I been through.

You see, I chose the life on the streets. In gangs. I been doing gangs all my life. You know, I would up in the penitentiary, you know. I lost five years in the joint. All together eight years of my life going back and forth between institutions you know.

I used to live in a nice neighborhood in Irving. My parents always told me, “Stay home, stay home, stay home.” But I would never listen. I was about skipping with my home boys, my home girls. Being with the gang, you know, thinking I was tough. Thinking I was older. But I was a dummy, I was a dumb ass you know. I thought I was tough but I was nothing but a little punk kid. Wind me up in jail you know. Like I said, the joint.

You see, I’ve got- I don’t know if you know this, but remember that guy who killed the people in the Taco Bell in Irving? Well, this happened in Irving, Texas man. He killed those guys execution style that walked in. About 1995.

Well he was after me because I put his little brother in prison. So he shot me up and I got six bullet holes down my body. Seven, counting the exit hole in my butt cheek. Shot me a few times in the chest, boom, BOOM, BOOM. Here, here, the one over here exit through my cheek. And the bullet right here in the middle exit through the bullet hole in the bottom and the one in the bottom exit through the middle. And the one right here in my chest, right above my heart, missed my heart and my arteries and everything by a hair.

I said, “Man, I’m so lucky.” And the doctor said, “Man, you’re not lucky, you’re blessed.”

He goes, “You been in a lot of trouble here growing up, huh.” I said yeah. “Time to straighten your life out.”

I been in a coma. I was in a coma for thirty days. I got jumped in West Dallas by some gang members- probably, I don’t remember. It was after a Halloween party, a little bash you know. Thirty days later I woke up in the hospital. In a coma. My mom told me this lady, she was… like- an angel, she came in, put her hands on me, she said, “everything is going to be alright.” My mom said she prayed for me you know. She seen a glow in this lady you know. I was laying there in the coma. And the lady left. A couple months later I woke up and she was an angel that left the room.

I tried to change my life around. I never did. I went back out again, shooting drugs, smoking crack, doing drugs. I wanted to change, I did, but it’s not so easy just to – SNAP!- change.

I woke up from a coma and I had to learn how to walk, how to talk, I didn’t know who my mom was, my brother was, nothing, nothing. I was like a baby. I had to learn everything again.

Once I got my strength back, my size back, all big again, there I go again- banging, shooting dope, smoking crack, drinking beer. Doing all that, the crazy life. Doing the gangs again, getting into trouble.

I was so banged up- I been in a coma, I been shot up, been in prison, been out of prison. I was to change my life around, I wanted the good life. I married this lady. The marriage only lasted two or three months and there I go again, doing drugs, smoking crack. She was a good, a African American, a beautiful black lady. She was one of my mom’s friends from the flea market. She, she treat me good. She bought me everything I need. I told her I drank a lot. She bought me beer all the time, just treat me real good you know. But all she did was hurt me. She didn’t know what she was doing. She found out I was shooting dope and she left me. Man, I miss her man, so much. With all my heart. I got out of prison February 2002 and got married 30 days later. The marriage only lasted about two and a half month and it was over.

She sent me to this Victory Outreach place. I said, “ok, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” I stayed a couple of months and then I started jones’n again and I left that place. Victory Outreach is a pretty good place. I’m sorry for that. But I left that place and there I go again, doing the drugs and everything.

I did some bad things. I lost a lot of my pride. Getting all cracked out on drugs. Doing the nasty things, them dirty things just to get my dope you know. I ain’t ashamed to admit it, I did a lot of bad things to get my dope you know. That was my lifestyle you know. I regret a what I did, it wasn’t good. May the Lord forgive me for all the sins that I’ve done. It’s a hard life man you know. A lot of people think it’s easy you know. Back out of the penitentiary and get a job. They say a lot of people will hire ex-offenders. I couldn’t tell that! They ask a few questions. I wear long sleeves to go to job interviews you know to look real nice and they see this tattoo on my face. I want to take that off so bad. I been trying to go to a program to get this off, but I don’t know no program to get this off. You know. I want to take this off, I hate this on my face.

I’m going through a lot of pain inside you know. Because I put myself through the penitentiary, I put myself through pain and misery. It’s a hard life I put myself through. I’m very, very dazed and confused. I don’t know who I am. Nothing like that. It’s hard you know. If I could, I would talk to a lot of kids out there. Little kids trying to join gangs, their buds, their homeboys, those ain’t your friends, they want to drag you down with ‘em.

What I want to do is straighten out like I’m doing now. One more day and I’ll be clean and sober for 30 days. Damn it feels good! I feel like a different person. I am going to get my chip tomorrow, you know, my key ring thing, a orange one. It feels good. But like I say, I want to talk to kids who want to join gangs still. I want to be a spokesperson to talk to them, say, “look at me. Ya’ll bad? You want to look like me?” I want to look up to them, take off my shirt, everything you know. I’ve got bullet holes, scars, stab wounds, and cuts all over my arms and hands. Yeah, you want to look like me? Yeah, I was tough, too. My homeboys shot me. Ha! It’s what they call a “hater.” Because I had all the women and everything. That ain’t nothing.

You know, to me, that’s trash. I was torn up. I bringing my life up. Now I love it. Now I love myself for who I am. I hate myself for what I was back then. Selling myself. For drugs, dope, for stuff like that. Hurting people, stealin. I never got caught for stealing, because I was quick at what I did. But I am not proud of it. I hate it. I hurt them people. If I could, I’d pay them back for everything I took for them, but I can’t. What I can do, is to see what I’ve done to myself now, and turn my life over, say I’m sorry, and turn my life over to God, because He is my Creator. You know, I turn my life over to Him. I am blessed now, I can feel it. I feel so wonderful. Now I can look people in the eye. I tell people I been to hell and back, I seen death, I died on the table and came back. Came back. They say I was close to flat-lining and I just came back. I look back at all that now, all I been through, what I seen. “Man, what am I doing?” I need to stop it. I put my foot down. You see, I’m on fire for God now big time. It feel good.

You know how people say in the NA’s and the AA’s, “I’m tired of being sick and tired?” I never figure out why they say that and now I know. I am tired of being sick and tired, I’m tired of being used, I’m tired of being abused, raped, hurt you know, stuff like that.

You’d be- there’s a lot of men out there that say they never been sexual activity with another man and stuff like that. They’re lying. You been out on the streets, and if you been there smoking crack, it’s happened to you. But a lot of people won’t admit it. It’s a pride thing, it’s a macho thing. I’m a man. I’m a tough man. But I am not going to lie. Because if I lie to you, it’s like lying to God. I won’t lie to people no more like I used to. I am an honest man now and I love myself for it.

I love the world. I love myself for what I’ve done for myself now. I am spiritually clean. My mother wanted me to turn my life over to God. I did, but I’m not doing it for her. I did it for myself. I am tired of living the street life, I am tired of hurting myself, hurting others. It’s time to stop. What I want out of my life now is good things. I want to give to people. When I see someone who needs something, I give it to them. I quit cigarettes now. “Man, you don’t smoke?” Nope. I quit cold turkey. “Man, how’d you do that?” It ain’t me, it’s God, dude. It’s God. He’s helping me. I know He is.

Q: Where were you incarcerated?

I was at Roach in West Texas. Childress Texas.

Q: What was the charge?

I was selling dope. Distributing cocaine. I sold to an undercover. That was my fault. I was out there real bad. I was doing my own dope. I got caught. I’m glad I got caught. Because if I didn’t, I’d be dead right now. I used to hate cops. I used to hate any law enforcement, but you know what now? I love them because they saved my life. They put me away and made me think. Guess what I want to be in about two more years? I want to work for the Texas Department of Corrections. You need five years with no records. You can’t pull nothing on me, none of that fast stuff, because I been there done that, you know what I mean?

Q: Where are most of your friends now?

I don’t even know where they’re at. Still in there probably. Some are probably out now. I hope they’re doing good. I hope they turn their life around, too. Because if they don’t, they’re going back. That’s the way life is- either you change your life or you go back.

Q: How does God view what you have done in the past? How does He view addiction?

God? God sees what I’ve done in the past. God’s forgave me and all my sins. He says, “This is the past, now look to the future. Do what you can do now. Be all that you can be.” You know what I wish I could be? A marine. My little brother is a marine. You know how the little brother always looks up to the big brother? Well, this is the big brother looking up to the little brother. I love my family. I hurt them all so bad. But guess what? My mom happy for me now. Both my parents, mom and dad. They happy for what I’m doing now. I hurt so many people in the past, I wish I never hurt them. I wish I could take back everything I done to people.

Q: Why were you willing to do these things at the time? To hurt people?

Cocaine. For cocaine. Just to have the money- take their money, their things, property. But now, I don’t do that no more. Now I am just a good Christian. I was the devil I was. I was no good. You know what I did? I dressed nice, looked nice. I was the devil walk around. I was a well dressed man, an evil man. Making people see something different from what was inside. I was bad. But not no more.